Despite fielding four teams in the NCAA Sweet Sixteen, Ohio still sucks

Columbus, OH--After being told that his state fielded the most teams in the sweet sixteen in NCAA basketball history, the Governor of Ohio, John Kasich, expressed disappointment.

"We've spent all this time trying to attract boring people to this terrible wasteland of a state, and these stupid collegiate basketball teams have to go out there and ruin this image that we have worked to hard to convey. This will not stand."

Ohio has adopted a very different marketing strategy to attract residents and visitors. Ohio is trying to attract losers.

Chairman of the Chamber of Commerce for the State of Ohio, David Goodman, remarked.

"We firmly believe that there is a "silent majority" of people out there who just suck, and want to be around sucky people. These people are threatened by adequacy, coolness and pretty much anything that makes a person interesting. These (sucky) people can now find a home in the State of Ohio. There is nothing here that would attract meaningful people. We have terrible professional sports teams, lots of cold weather, no fun and pretty much nothing to do, so there's definitely a market here."

This may not make make sense to most, but Ohio has seen a remarkable rise in the number of losers and wierdos in the state. In 2007, when the State started the program to attract the undesirables, it was 4th on the LUWB(losers, undesirables, wierdos and just plain boring) Index. The index measures both the percentage LUWB's and amount of infrastructure available to attract them. Since that time Ohio has jumped to the number two spot, with many experts in the field projecting and number one ranking next year. Michigan is the number one state for the 2012 year, mostly because of the always decrepit city of Detroit. Detroit has the highest score of any urban environment due to its high percentage of losers and its seemingly endless supply to infrastructure to attract them. There is a tie between many counties in Ohio for the highest rural score.
Perhaps all of this is best summed up by Governor Kasich
"We just hope that all of this is just a phase (the NCAA tournament successes) so that we can get down to the real business of attracting undesirables and continue down this path toward a Sucktopia."

Best of luck Ohio. We wish you success, for our sakes.